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Originally submitted to McSweeney’s, this satirical piece was rejected for being “too edgy”. Inspired by true events, here it is presented, en delicto flagrante. 

Hey, I have my mouth on local dick. Happy Monday!

Hey, I just impaled myself on a banana. Happy Tuesday!

Hey, I have cum pouring out of my vagina. Happy Hump Day!

Hey, I am orgasming RIGHT. NOW. Happy Thursday!

Hey, I have one dick in my ass and another in my mouth. Now that’s multitasking! Happy Friday!

Hey, turns out a g-spot orgasm is like an anaconda chewing and swallowing his hand. Happy Saturday!

Hey, I just saw the face of God in the guy who is pounding his dick into me. Church! Happy Sunday!